I know that by the end of the month this will all have ‘just been a scare.’  The problem is, that until I can put it in that box and move forward, I am scared.  Like anyone would do I am driving myself crazy searching the web for information only my Dr. can actually give me.  Reading and re-reading every personal story of every diagnosis trying to find similarities or differences that will let me sleep at night.  I used to worry about one day leaving my daughter in her early adulthood as both my parents passed in their early 60’s.  I would think to myself how I may be half way there already if I am to follow in their wake.  Now though, I can’t stop staring at the picture of a grandma I never knew, a grandma who never made it to 40.  A grandma who one day, long ago, received a very similar diagnosis I am scared will be given to me.  Then I look at my daughter, so young and so full of life, and crumble a little inside.  She is my ‘raison d’etre” and I can’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t be here for her or would be too ill to give her anything less than her heart and soul deserves.  I can’t imagine that world and although the thought of it scares me, I refuse to believe it could ever exist.  So, until next month, I will lose sleep and I will cry and I will over analyze every possible symptom I may have.  And then, I will be thankful for this scare.  I will think of those, grandma included, that it wasn’t ‘just a scare’ for and I will hurt for them and their loved ones, but I will move forward.  I will hug my little girl closer than ever and tell her how amazing she is and how much I love her.  And, this winter, when 40 hits I will meet it head on healthy and happy and no longer scared.

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