2016 is coming to a close quickly and I realize I have hardly written all year. I thought that my new life would give me more time to do the little things for me, but I find that just isn’t so. Not that I regret that at all. I am busier now than I have been in years it seems, but a busy that leaves me more fulfilled than before. I have had the opportunity to be with my beautiful daughter every day. Days filled with laughter, smiles, some tears and some frustration – all completely filled with love though. I have enjoyed working alongside a woman I truly admire and look up to. I have learnt so much in this past year from her about not only business, but life and persevering through it all. I have spent almost every night tucking my daughter in bed and then sleeping next to my husband. A huge change to get use to from my previously life of lonely day time sleeping. We spend time together as a family in a relaxed way during the days instead of trying to shove as much ‘quality’ time in together as we can for a few hours a week. There has been a lot to be grateful for.
There have also been struggles, heart break and hopelessness in this last year. So many fears brought to the fore front for me. There has been loss and some hard lessons learnt. Through it all I have found out a little of who the person I am becoming. And while it’s not all sparkly and joyful it is me finding my way to the surface.
I have found that I am a weak person. A sensitive person. A person who tries to fix everything even when they should just admit some things mend on their own and in their own time. I am a person who is afraid to admit when they will break if they take any more or to admit when it is time to ask for help. I am also a person who has little back bone and will allow herself to be hurt over again convinced she is doing something wrong in some way.
It is hard to look in a mirror and acknowledge these things because they are not changeable. If I am true to myself then this is who I am. There is another side I have also discovered though and it is that I am so much more than just that.
I am a strong woman. I stay strong even when I want to crumble. I stand steadfast and take it all and keep coming back because I love. I am a person that loves loudly, fully and forever. I am strong because I see beyond the hurt and I stay standing because my love is more lasting than any pain my heart may go through. And my heart has been through so much this year. I have had my heart broken by the one I love, I have cried for family wanting to heal their pains and unable to, I have lost friends and had long ago friends come back. I have had childhood fears come back to haunt me and I have faced old demons I thought were gone forever. These things and more could have broken me this year, but here I am still standing. Because, I am a strong woman.
So, 2016, thank you for this (rocky) path of self discovery. You didn’t break me…you made me stronger. Let’s see what 2017 is made of.