I have written and rewritten several posts tonight. I have saved some drafts and I have trashed others. I have deleted whole paragraphs at a time and entire posts one letter at a time. Working backwards to remove the words I am unsure of saying. Reminiscent of my life right now is my blogging. If you say (write) certain words they become real. They can never be changed or taken back. If I share too much do I have to share it all….piecing together little bits of a story, picking and choosing what to leave out and what to alter a bit, feels too much like telling a lie to me.
Because I don’t want to lie I will say this tonight. I am happy…..happier than I was for a very long time. While I am happy I am still also heartbroken and scared of what the future holds. I long for a day when I am truly relaxed and not unsure of anyones actions, words or motives. I know that day will come though. I know that I am doing what is best for my family and myself. I am not alone in this journey and that reassures me. I believe that not long from now I will walk down the road with the sun sparkling on my back a small hand clutched to one of mine and a strong safe hand holding the other. I believe we will all find love laughter and sunshine on this path we have taken. I will find my sparkle, my light, and share it with the ones I shine for.