I started blogging this year in the hopes of finding my joy for life again. I was hoping that it would help me to find happiness in the everyday occurences of life and to look at myself from the outside in and the inside out to see where I lost my passion and drive. Really, just to find my sparkle…
This was not an easy year to decide to go soul searching. Between illness, abnormally long and stressful work hours, constant self doubt and great heartbreak I came into December thinking I may have lost the last bit of my sparkle I had left. And right when I couldn’t take any more, yet another life altering revelation presented itself. In that moment I had a choice…I could accept defeat or I could fight. I could hang my head and walk away or I could jump in swinging. I was so close to just letting go and giving up. I looked down though at the one that was presenting me with the choice and I thought I saw something. I looked down and saw through their pain and defeat a small sparkle in their eye. To me it seemed to say “I’m still in here, please don’t give up too, please be strong enough for both of us”. So I paused and tried to just breathe before making a decision that either way would alter everything I know. I was scared to let go because I didn’t want to, because my heart was screaming at me to hold on, because I had to think of who else it would impact and because I was scared of what would happen and what would change. I was also scared to hang on though because what if their heart wasn’t in it any longer, because what if nothing changed, because I had to think of who else this would affect and because my heart may not be strong enough for everyone much less myself.
I paused. I breathed. I watched the sparkle – challenging it to be a trick of light. I chose. I fight and I hope I’m strong enough; because all I have remaining is what little fight is left in me and the glimmer of hope I saw in your eyes. I still self doubt and am scared that I may lose everything in the end, but I have to fight for what I still may have. I have to fight for my sparkle. Because regardless of everything that has happened I saw it, just a spark of it in your eyes. I had lost it and now I remember I gave it to you for safekeeping so many years ago. I will never sparkle the same again. My rose colored glasses are gone now, but each day I feel just a little stronger and maybe one day I won’t be the only one fighting for it.
This year, 2015, was not the defeat I thought it was ending as. I only hope that this new year brings out more of that shine.