It’s a little bit of everything and I wish you could see….

you don’t see me anymore.

you don’t see me when I come home from work crying because I had to talk to a mother who just found her baby had slipped away during the night.

you don’t see me not sleeping at night (or day) because I can’t stop hearing the names I’m called on the phone the background noise of people hurting one another on an open phone line or the code 3 radio traffic I always fear will go sideways.

you don’t see me struggle with no sleep to keep creating a wonderful learning environment for our little homeschooler. to feel the responsibility of her education on my shoulders.

you don’t see me walk into a room and sit lonely on the couch smiling at you.  hoping you will notice me and just ask how my day was.  I’m not going to tell you the horrible parts – no one else should have to hear those details, but just conversation just caring…

you don’t see me still loving your children as much as I did when they were little and lived at home with us.  you don’t see how much it hurts me that they don’t come by and how I wonder if that’s my fault and if you blame me.

you don’t see me beat myself up if I’m crabby with our daughter even the slightest. because I’m not here enough and it breaks my heart too that she cries for me when I’m not and then I snap at her when I am.

you don’t see the exhaustion or aches and pains I try to ignore because of an illness that I didn’t choose to have and can be fine most days, but when it’s not it really isn’t

you don’t see me struggle to keep up with my fitness although I don’t see results I want and am tired.  I keep going because I think you will look at me you look at other women again…one day…maybe…

you don’t see me devoid of feeling tears sliding down my cheeks when you’ve hurt me because I don’t say anything because I’m not strong enough and because I don’t value my feelings as much as yours and what you’ve been through in your life.

you don’t see how much being forgotten hurts even in little ways

you see a tired, bitchy whiney old wife and mom who needs to get over herself I believe.  and I’m sorry for that.  I’m sorry I’m eternally exhausted and can be a big bitch (I know I don’t always talk nicely) and that I whine about my job and how tired I am all the time.  I’m sorry those are the only things you can see right now.  maybe if you could see the reasons you’d understand and you’d still love me as much as I hoped you always would.

hopefully one day you’ll see how I deal with a little bit of everything and keep going.  keep going for you and for our girl.  hopefully you’ll at least see that I’m not giving up and that I love you.

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